Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
