Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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