please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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