Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
