According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
