I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
