Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he shaved USA in his pubs
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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