Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize