i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
