my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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