He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
