Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
