I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
