wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
