I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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