I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
