Please, let me fuck your mom
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
