I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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