Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
