are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
