i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
