We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
