I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
