I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
