one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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