The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
