i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Randomize
