sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
