Me. At least after what I've been through.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
