I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
