Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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