I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
