dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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