I am spending my child support on dildos
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Everything about him screamed your future.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
