He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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