Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
