I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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