i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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