eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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