I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
