and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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