And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
