I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
