did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
