Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
