I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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