I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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