You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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