it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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