She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
