I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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