Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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