I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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