If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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