i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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