After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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