your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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