Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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